The Hotel Cafe Festival @ Belleayre, NY
So off I go on my merry way until the weekend where Cary plays again at the Hotel Cafe Festival in the Belleayre Mountains of NY. Wow. That was a jam packed day of talent. Discovered a lot of new music and saw some amazing performances. Read here. It was almost a great day.
This is where my story kind of begins... I was supposed to go straight to Wildwood but I decide to go to this festival. I can't convince my friends who are feeling old and/or have real day jobs to go with me. I decide to bring my “photo mentor” who had to leave the country because you're only technically allowed to visit for 6 months at a time in Canada. This was his 2nd 6 months and he has a British passport. He wasn't quite my photo mentor because I feel that if he was, I would have learned more... this is a long and complicated story which I am uncomfortable to tell because I actually care about not hurting feelings and I believe that he would find this site somehow, get upset, find a way to hurt me and then I'd be sad all over again.
The point of all this is that I wasn't completely myself that day. I had a cloud overhead. I was totally not there and it shows in my pictures. I was exhausted because I covered 2 shows the night before, had to prep all my data so I could travel and work, hadn't slept all night, drove 8 hours to get to the festival and had to think about taking care of someone else. AND I was disappointed that I missed the first few acts.
I don't like me when I'm disgruntled. My photo mentor does that to me. He is so uncomfortable with himself that I feel it and it affects me. Normally, I would walk away from negativity but I couldn't walk away from him. I brought him with me. I take responsibility for my actions. He's an amazing photographer and his years of experience are hard to ignore. The person is something else. I feel the weight of his expectation on me and it's crushing. So, all that to say, I was distracted. So instead of mingling and trying to take pictures of the event and all the great artists milling about, I mostly concentrated on taking pictures of the people on stage.
Cary showed up much later in the day. He was helicoptered in (after being jetted) because he had something to do in Colorado so that he could perform. Very rock star. From his point of view, it must have tickled him pink to do this in front of his musician friends. Can you say you've made it if you're being helicoptered in? I'd say yes. I concentrated on the show and left Cary to enjoy his day.
I saw him milling about, chatting and laughing. I saw him hugging people too. You can tell people like him. People were circling about and then there were these 2 hula girls there who were hovering around him but not quite. I call them hula girls because they were dressed in matching hot pants, striped tops and carrying hula hoops. They were grabbing as much attention as possible and what guy wouldn't want to pair up with a fake lesbian act?! From a guy's perspective, sure, they were hot. From a girl's perspective, they weren't hot enough that even the girls wanted to sleep with them. They were a gimmick and much less cooler than Penny Lane. They were groupies that Penny Lane would have scoffed at. What was my point? I sincerely hope that these girls are not Cary's type. I understand as a musician that you probably have girls all over the place, it's the bonus plan of being a musician and what are you to do but notice what's in front of you. I just sincerely hope that these are not the girls he ends up “dating” and writing about. I shouldn't judge them on their appearances but they put themselves out there to be watched and judged. Their gimmick is totally about having people notice and talk about them. So good or bad, they have to accept the consequences.
So I watched all the artists having fun at the end of the evening and I felt like I was intruding. That was my cue to leave. I finally walk up to Cary to say my first hello and my goodbye. So sweet. He hugs me and says “Where have you been all night?” Forget that I was standing maybe 5 feet away from him for a long time. Forget that I was one of the photographers snapping away. I don't blame him at all. There were so many people around. It's still sweet. Most of all, it was the hug that caught me off guard. I'm not a touchy feel-y person. Not to mention I had said to someone not too long ago “don't touch me” and all they did was touch my arm several times. So this hug, threw me off. It was such a sincere and heartfelt hug. I was smiling huge. It warmed me from the inside out. It made me feel so good about myself. I almost forgot what it was like to be hugged.
No, I'm not a cold person. I am a reserved person. If you're an artificial person then I probably make you uncomfortable. If you're a full blown psycho, you'll find me like gps on speed. If you're normal, you'll ignore me. The whole reason I haven't been hugged in a long time is that I've been single for about a year now. Like really single. Like not even dating, single. Desert single. Prior to that I was in a 10 year relationship with a great guy and it was going badly for a while because I finally came to the realization that love is not enough. That if he truly loved me that I would be a better person and I felt like I was never reaching high enough around him and by not being “normal”, I was letting him down. So it was time to free him to live the life he truly wanted. I also felt like that Violent Femmes song “Fat” which I had become after 10 years. “I hope you got fat / I hope you got truly fat / cause if you got really / FAT FAT FAT / you just might want to see me come back / I hope you got fat.” I realize now that I subconsciously ate to numb myself. It was a tossup for the man because he wanted me like I used to be but then if I was he knew he'd lose me. It was a lose/lose for him. He didn't know the secret that wasn't so secret; if I'm happy, my career is doing well and he sincerely helps me be better then I won't leave. The not so big secret that he didn't know was that even if I was “fat”, guys still like me because underneath it all, is still me. After all these years, he still didn't know ME, I couldn't ignore it anymore and that's why I had to leave. Sorry for that Oprah moment.
Oh and I'm not so fat anymore. I'm still a big girl and shrinking but within a year, literally a weight was lifted off my shoulders and somehow my body knew it too and started to shed. Then I started going to the gym with a friend who happens to be a model. That's fun because who doesn't like a little eye candy when you're being tortured but that's yet another story...
All that was to say that I hadn't been hugged in a long time except by drunk people and that doesn't count. Cary hugged me and it made me realize that he just walked right past the wall I had spent years building. Poof. Don't worry, it went right back up when he was out of sight because there were other people around. BUT, he set off this internal dialogue that couldn't be shut up.